Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*receives text from wife
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
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HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that
[at adoption agency]
“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”
*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*
“I just love kids”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.