@Willie1derful

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

@emm_downunder

Man Spits on Oranges: Shopkeeper slaps him into his next attempt at life.

@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@Home_Halfway

COP: You’re allowed 1 phone call
ME: I’m gonna call your mom & tell on you for arresting me
COP: *nervously sweating* Why would you do that

@SteveSuckington

[at adoption agency]

“Why do you think you’d be a good fit for adoption?”

*cut to a baby mowing my lawn*

“I just love kids”

@erikbransteen

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump

@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.