*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me and who
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.