receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
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When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Got him!
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does