Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
When I pack too much for a short trip.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor