Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sharon, call the vet
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth