Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.


Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you


You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.


Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*




“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”


*priest drops bible*


Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%


Spiritually, ever since I ate my first curry, I’ll always be part Indian.


Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.


I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.


So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.