Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Finally!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”