recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You Might Also Like
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”