Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Oh my God.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.