@tonsmorecowbell
My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
@lordratsquirt
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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@tonsmorecowbell
@SirEviscerate
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
@zachreinert03
Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME
@thepaulahunt
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
@IvoryGazelle
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
@samalmightysam
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
@richforri
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
@Plexomatic
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day
@LittleMissAngr1
I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.
@markleggett
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.