Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

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I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”


Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.


[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.


Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.


1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent


almost called my teacher “mom,” but I caught myself after “mo” and added an “n.” I had to pretend I was Jamaican for the rest of the year.


No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.