My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day
I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.