@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

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@tonsmorecowbell

My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I’m peeing in the toilet every night.

@SirEviscerate

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

@zachreinert03

Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

@Plexomatic

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day

@LittleMissAngr1

I lost a friend over my bastardization of common idioms, but I think she should just let pylons be pylons.

@markleggett

My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.