Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
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“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”