Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You Might Also Like
[ first date ]
me: i鈥檇 like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I鈥檓 broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I鈥檝e just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I鈥檝e since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 馃槤
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
At my 12yo鈥檚 school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can鈥檛 quite believe they are outdoors and can鈥檛 fathom how they鈥檝e gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it鈥檚 a kind of candy.
me: whew
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 馃檪 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I know this now 馃槀
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn鈥檛 shot on my street.