While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.