Receptionist: So you’re here about your carpal tunnel huh..fill out these 20 forms and press hard so the copies are clear

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HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best


Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.


[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat


On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”


Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.


December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.


Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.


[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”


The fact that Gunplay pulled a gun on his accountant doesn’t shock me nearly as much as the fact that Gunplay has an accountant.