@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

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@_AlexHirsch

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

@heidi420x

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

@NathanBgood

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

@BurbidgeJames

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@Aikiwomannc

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@Kat_ZenJammer

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

@radtoria

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider