Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider