Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine