adrenaline does crazy shit to the human body. i saw a lady trapped under a car and suddenly felt a surge of energy so i went to the gym
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Rejected Olympic Events: