Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
We decided to have money instead of children.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.