ME: “Trick or bear?”
ME: “HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEAR!”
[distant roar and sounds of clanking chains]
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Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
CASHIER: This bag of chips is open
C: This bag of candy is open
C: This bag of–
M: Look buddy, I know all the bags are open
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.
GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.