Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐