@AnniemuMary

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

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@SortaBad

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@envydatropic

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

@Mr_Kapowski

*on the karaoke mic*

“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”

@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

@Moi_RaRa

Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

@CodyJP9412

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

@pakalupapito

dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows