The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
*on the karaoke mic*
“I normally don’t sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don’t mind if I do this naked”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
me: 911 how would I know?
Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows