Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?