Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
You Might Also Like
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
When you’re here for the treats.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Leonardo DiCaprisun
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
What’s a Messi?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Why does laundry happen to good people?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss