@KatMcSnatch

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

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@T_Bonezzz_

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

@Reverend_Scott

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

@ItsAndyRyan

Ladies, if he’s:
– Possessive
– Confusing
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

@krismuscookie

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*

@MasterOfFury

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”