My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ladies, if he’s:
– Never where he’s supposed to be
…He’s not your man. He’s an apostrophe
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”