Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
So the ex texted me
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”