Maybe if I swallow enough magnets I’ll become attractive.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.
Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.