@Cheeseboy22

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

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@fro_vo

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

@Poutymcgee

<– Spends a good 10 minutes removing the stuffed animals from my bed before we get down to business. But Rupert stays, he likes to watch.

@cynthiajones11

Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’
My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’

@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

@girlontapas

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

@batkaren

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

@mela_shea

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.