Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.