I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.