Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Simple enough.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.