Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?


The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now


Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.


ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus


Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.


[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.


“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT


If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.