I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.