@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

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@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@LMLMadness

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

@ThugRaccoons

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

@ehdannyboy

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great

@1CleverGirl1

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

@TheJamieLee

Never understand when someone says, “cats are snobby.” Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?

@HenpeckedHal

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.