Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet