Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Love this one 😂🧟
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh