[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Good morning.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
all i want is to be as happy as this potato