Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
A little too much information.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
my astrological sign is a french fry
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.