ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I eat children for a living
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.