“That’s close enough…”
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long
6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?
– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.