[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
ibopfufen
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
it’s a van. how do they not know this
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.