[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

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“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker


By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.


Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.


Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?


I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long


6 yo: Can I have your water Mommy?

– No, that’s vodka. Don’t touch it. And don’t try to dilute it with water when you’re 16 I invented that


I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.


* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.


I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724


Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.