@Skoogeth

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

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@ArfMeasures

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@squirrel74wkgn

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

@SamSkoronski

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

@BigJDubz

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

@YourDailyGroan

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]

My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!

@gumdropheaven

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

@ohwrigley

I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.