[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years