[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Just a friendly reminder!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
stop
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.