Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Not today. 😅
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II