Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.