@KentWGraham

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

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@ColoradoUgly

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

@grifteezy

Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature

@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

@abbycohenwl

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

@ClichedOut

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

@ericbove

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

@mommy_cusses

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.