Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

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Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way


ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’


Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature


Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree


St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here


doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese


Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.