Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You better watch out