Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.