Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I’d … I’d rather not.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.