I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
How I’d get arrested…
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it