@Anniewritess

Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

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@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@deedragonhunter

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

@JimmerThatisAll

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

@fro_vo

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

@evilmallelis

those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@Browtweaten

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

@Abusitron

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

@SamSkoronski

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.