Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
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Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
See..?
.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast