Recycling bottles.

Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest

Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic

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cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today


Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.


Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.


[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”


those ads for The Heavy Blanket are all well and good but why does it stop at 25 pounds, where is the blanket that will crush me like a benevolent snake


If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.


friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?


Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*


ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.