Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
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Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.