Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
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Confused owl: What?!
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.