Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…


it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”


[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*


googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen


[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”


when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad


Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh


Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?



God: technically that’s a tooth.


I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller