@PopeAwesomeXIII

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

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@murrman5

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@JermHimselfish

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

@decentbirthday

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family