I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
You Might Also Like
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”
“You have 999 new matches”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller