Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”