[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
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*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.