Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.