Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.