Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
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“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Coffee for people with no kids
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]