Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.