Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
he chose this
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
#CatsOnTwitter
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait