Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
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If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em