Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you