@BoogTweets

*ref blows whistle*

Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze

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@Exkarma

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.

@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@junejuly12

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@truegritrumble

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off