*ref blows whistle*
Whistle: oh, oh god, wow. Oh geeeze
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime
[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off