5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
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I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
won’t smith
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*