Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you