@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

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@PrettiestPickle

Drinking game. Make the drunkest person in the room call in a Chinese food order. Every time they have to repeat themselves, take a shot.

@Reverend_Scott

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

@Matt_The_1st

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@AllanForsyth

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

@trims_the_fat

Funny how people get all angry when you break something of their’s that they don’t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.