Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I have a type: disappointing
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.